Beautiful Pain Read online

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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  Beautiful Pain

  Copyright 2015, J.M. Walker

  Table of Contents

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  Find Me

  To my Jems.

  This book is for you.

  Definition of sadism (n)

  Bing Dictionary

  sa·dism

  [ sáy dìzzəm ]

  hurting others for sexual pleasure: the gaining of sexual gratification by causing physical or mental pain to other people, or the acts that produce such gratification

  being cruel for fun: the gaining of pleasure from causing physical or mental pain to people or animals

  cruelty: great physical or mental cruelty

  Definition of masochism (n)

  Bing Dictionary

  mas·och·ism

  [ mássə kìzzəm ]

  sexual pleasure through humiliation: sexual gratification achieved through humiliation and physical and verbal abuse

  psychological disorder: the psychological disorder in which somebody needs to be emotionally or physically abused in order to be sexually satisfied

  search for abusive sexual partners: the active seeking out of sexual partners who will dominate, humiliate, and physically and verbally abuse

  Mae

  I got away. From the nightmares I used to call my own. They tried to control me. To get me to submit to their wrath as each day passed. But I never let them. Or I attempted not to but every time I closed my eyes, I could see them. Eyes. All different colors as they stared back at me. Brown. Black. Green. Blue. Some were even so dark, they appeared purple. But they all held one thing in common; hatred. Pure. Raw. Evil.

  I got away. I had to keep reminding myself of that whenever I woke up. As each day passed, you would think I would become stronger. One with myself. But I wasn’t. I was stuck. In time. In a place where I didn’t belong. I didn’t fit. Something was missing.

  “Mae, table two’s up,” Cello called out, placing a dish holding steaming food on top of the counter. “Stop daydreaming, girl.” He smiled at me, whistling while he stirred the large pot of his homemade stew.

  “Only thing I’m dreaming about is you, Cello,” I teased, taking a deep breath to calm my racing heart.

  He laughed, shaking his bald head and danced around the kitchen of the small diner I worked in.

  Every time I was left alone, my thoughts always traveled back to my past. My history. My crappy childhood. Those eyes, laughing and staring at me while they all took what they wanted from me.

  “Baby, you got this. Fight them off. It’s the only way you’ll survive.” My daddy had said those words so long ago, they were almost a whisper of a dream.

  “Mae!”

  I jumped, the food on the plate almost toppling over the side at my abrupt movement. The bark of my name sent shivers down my back but I fought the urge to run. “Yes?” I responded to one of the new customers. He liked to make a daily appearance in the morning, greeting me and the rest of the staff with a warm friendly smile.

  Duncan Hastings had deep brown hair, hungry green eyes and a bloodthirsty smile that made my demons look like puppies. The guy was harmless but his dominating demeanor made me nervous. Apparently, being out on parole lowered his people skills.

  “I’m sorry for scaring you again.”

  “No,” I clutched my chest. “It’s okay. I wasn’t paying attention.”

  He smiled, clearing his throat. “I was going to ask you where my order was but I see it in your hand.”

  “Here you go, Duncan,” I said, breathing through the racing of my heart.

  He nodded once, thanking me. “So how are you doing?”

  “I’m not too bad,” I answered, enjoying the brief small talk.

  “Good good.” He lowered his fork, staring up at me intently. “If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

  “I’m sorry.” I frowned. “I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

  “Anything,” he insisted. “Promise me.”

  “Alright.”

  He nodded again and slowly ate his food.

  Wiping my hands down the front of my apron, I let out a heavy sigh when I headed behind the counter. Not quite sure what that was about, I couldn’t help but keep looking back at Duncan to see if he gave me a wink or a laugh. Maybe he was kidding. Maybe he wanted to get under my skin to see how I would react.

  “Mae, you need to stop being so nervous.” Dominika Franko, my best friend and roommate, stood beside me.

  I jumped, spinning on my heel.

  Her eyes softened. “Sorry, babe.”

  “No problem.” I gazed back at Duncan to find him staring in my direction. He gave me a small wave.

  “Mae.” Nika nudged me gently.

  I didn’t have to look at her to know she was frowning. Whenever she was upset with me or concerned, she switched into our native tongue and started going off on me in Czech. Her tone was clipped and to the point but I ignored her as always. Until she started poking me in the ribs with her perfectly manicured fingernails. Then I started paying attention to her only because I was afraid her fake nail would somehow lodge its way into my rib cage.

  “Nika, honestly. I’m fine,” I reassured her, slapping her hands away.

  She raised a perfectly arched black eyebrow and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “You are not fine. You have never been fine.”

  Pulling out of her grip, I grabbed the tray of drinks. “I have customers to serve.”

  “Mae, seriously,” she huffed.

  I waved her off and did my rounds. Most of the customers were regulars. Had been for years so to speak. People didn’t venture to Cello’s Diner for the food. Although it was delicious, they usually ended up going for the entertainment and the environment. It was karaoke night and even though half the people couldn’t sing, it was hilarious watching them try.

  “Whoa, chicky.” Nika whistled. “Who’s that fine specimen of a man?”

  I followed her line of view and swallowed hard. My heart skipped a beat. A cold sweat traveled down my back.
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  A large man was hunched over paperwork on the table before him. His hand brushed through his chin length wavy black hair every so often. His brows narrowed, his dark eyes sliding back and forth along the pages he was reading. He was deep in thought. I found myself wanting to rub the lines away in his forehead, easing the stress traveling through his body.

  My fingers twitched, my palms tingling with the need to go to him.

  “He’s in your section,” Nika whispered, nudging me gently in the shoulder.

  I glanced between her and the man, bracing myself. For what, I wasn’t sure. A man had not stirred this feeling in me in a long time. I was surprised at how fast my body became hyper aware of the male that could no doubt rip me apart with just the touch of his hands.

  “You’re in public, Mae. He can’t hurt you here.” Nika handed me a tray and a menu. “Go.” She lightly patted my butt, encouraging me to approach him.

  He is just a customer, Mae. I never saw him before but having to stay late into the dinner shift, I was now graced with his presence.

  I closed the distance between us and cleared my throat when he didn’t look up. “Would you like to order a drink?” I swallowed hard and licked my dry lips. “Sir?”

  His head lifted slowly, his dark eyes finally meeting mine.

  My breath caught in my throat.

  He was magnificently beautiful. Black scruff covered his hard jawline. His rugged features were perfectly sculpted. He was an artist’s dream. Tanned and chiseled. God, what I wouldn’t give to see the rest of him.

  He sat back, scratching his chin. “Are you new, Miss…” he glanced at my name tag. “Mae?”

  “No,” I shook my head, trying to ignore the flutter his slightly accented voice sent through my belly. “I usually work mornings but we’re short staffed so I had to stay late.”

  “Well, Mae, it’s my lucky night then.” He held out his hand.

  “I guess it is,” I placed the menu in his outstretched palm. “Can I start you off with a drink?”

  “Coffee please.” His eyes twinkled.

  I nodded and turned on my heel, heading back behind the counter as fast as I could without looking too obvious.

  “Girl,” Nika stepped up beside me. “He’s watching you.”

  “Yeah well, he better keep his hands to himself,” Cello barked from the kitchen.

  “Honestly, can you guys be any louder?” I loved them but I swore they were too damn protective at times. I may have had issues but I wasn’t glass. I wouldn’t break. At least…not again. And not at the hands of a man.

  “Seriously, look.” Nika nodded towards the dark sinfully delicious man. A man who I should not be having these thoughts over. A man who had stirred something deep inside of me that I hadn’t felt in so long.

  I didn’t know why I bothered to argue. Maybe it was to feel some sort of solace in my life. Some sort of control. Some…emotion. I braced myself and glanced in the direction of the man.

  He held me captive in his stare.

  I wanted to get lost in the depths, drowning myself in the ultimate seduction and power. Of him.

  The corner of his lips turned up into a smug smirk.

  My insides quivered, my stomach tumbling over itself to get more of a reaction from him.

  Lifting his hand, he crooked his finger, indicating for me to go to him.

  Oh dear God. What was I getting myself into?

  “Holy shit, Mae.” Nika pushed me, placing his coffee on the tray. “Go to him.”

  “And what the hell am I supposed to do, Nika? Fall at his feet and beg him to have his way with me? You can give him his coffee,” I muttered. Ignoring everyone, I quickly made my way to the staff bathroom. I didn’t need this. These thoughts. A man. I was fine by myself. I was. I had to be. It was the only way I could remain safe. It was the only way I wouldn’t get hurt again. And the only way I could stay alive.

  Matteo

  I had been listening to people’s problems for over ten years. But lately it felt like a lifetime. As each day passed, the more meetings I had, the problems became harder to deal with. It usually stemmed from some form of childhood abuse. Their parents didn’t love them. Didn’t want any kids and whoops, accidents happened. Or so they said. How anyone could have a kid by accident was beyond me.

  As I sat there, listening to the sobbing mess in front of me, all I could think about was sex. And her. Mae. The woman from the diner the night before. My blood stirred, flowing through my body like molten lava. I would see her again. And this time, I would get her to approach me.

  The patient’s soft cries reminded me of the female I had been with only a week before. Crying. Begging. Pleading for me to stop when only it made me fuck her harder. I was pleased when the young thing never used her safeword we had set up beforehand.

  “Dr. Santos, my husband hates me. My children hate me. How can I go on?” The patient sitting across from me cried, her pleas pulling me from my inappropriate thoughts.

  Well you shouldn’t have cheated, for one. “They don’t hate you.” Although they should. I was a sadistic bastard and got off on inflicting pain but when it came to cheating, I was against it. Straight up.

  “Yes, they do,” she sniffed, blowing her nose.

  “Maria, I will tell you that they need time. That’s all. There’s no medical diagnosis I can provide. No meds to prescribe that will make this easier. Time is the only remedy for this situation.” God, I loved my job. It allowed me to voice my opinion and honesty without getting in trouble. Much. Some people apparently didn’t like being told they were a hypochondriac. Who knew?

  “But I’ve given them time,” Maria whined, batting at her eyes.

  Her words sounded through me, annoying the ever living shit out of me like nails on a chalkboard. “You told your husband a week ago that you cheated on him. You can’t expect him to forgive you and for everything to go back to the way they were this fast.” I didn’t have to be a doctor to tell her that.

  “But…but…” Her bottom lip quivered.

  Oh dear God, woman. I took a breath and mentally counted to ten. “Maria, I’m going to tell you this once.” I lowered my voice, speaking in the firm tone that had got me whatever I wanted over the years.

  Her full lips parted.

  I had her right where I wanted but unfortunately for her, she didn’t do it for me. And she was married. But she did have a pretty mouth. My dick jumped in my pants. Shit. Focus, Matteo.

  “You are not going to get the meds you came here for.” I raised my hand, cutting her off when she opened her mouth to speak. “I’m not going to coddle you and tell you everything will be okay. Because how the hell am I supposed to know that?”

  “You’re a doctor,” she pointed out.

  “I’m not God. Only he knows how this will all play out. Only he knows if your husband will be there when you get home.”

  She let out a heavy sigh, her shoulders slumping. “I’m going to hell.”

  I bit back a huff and another eye roll. I rose to my feet, heading to my desk and pulled my prescription pad out of the drawer. “Here.” I jotted down some steps for the wonderful Maria to follow. And I used that term loosely. For someone to cry to make me feel sorry for them and give them pills clearly didn’t know me well. Pills didn’t solve everything. If they did, my world would be a much brighter and shinier place.

  “I thought you weren’t prescribing me pills.” Maria took the paper from my outstretched hand.

  I stood there, waiting.

  “Sleep. Rest. Drink water. Eat healthy. Be patient.” When she glanced at me next, her eyes were cold. “Are you mocking me, Dr. Santos?”

  “No.” I leaned against my desk. “I’m being realistic. You need patience and you have to give your family time. It’s not like you just bought a puppy.”

  She inhaled a sharp breath, shoving to her feet. “How dare you!”

  That’s it. “How dare I?” I took a step towards her, backing her up until she hit the wall.


  She jumped, her eyes widening.

  The amount of control it took not to force her to her knees and have her beg for mercy, was almost as bad as not lashing out when she originally walked into my office. “Why did you cheat on your husband?” I demanded, leaning my hand against the wall beside her head.

  “I…I was lonely.”

  “Who did you fuck, Maria? Someone at your place of work?” I leaned down, inhaling her scent. Flowery perfume wafted into my nostrils making my eyes burn. But it was hinted with something else. It was spicy. Hmm…Maria liked a little domination. Too bad she wasn’t my type. But that sadistic side of me wanted to play. And so I would let it.

  “I…it was someone…” she stammered, turning her head to the side.

  “Who was it? Was it a woman? Did you have a craving for a little kitty? Or was it a man? Your husband not satisfy you anymore? Does he not make love to you?” I made a point of letting my gaze roam down her curvy body. Two kids later and she had the voluptuous hips most men would love to dig their fingers into. But not me. I preferred my women toned, firm.

  “He works long hours,” Maria cried. “He didn’t pay attention to me until another man came into the picture. I love him but I need him to notice me.”

  And that pissed me off even more. “Why didn’t you tell him? Why didn’t you do whatever it took to get him to notice you? Why did you resort to cheating? Were you lonely? Did you crave a fat cock too much that you couldn’t resist?”

  I pinched her chin, forcing her to look at me. “Tell me, Maria. Do you want to be dominated? Is your husband a pussy? Maybe he wants you to control him. Have you ever been bound or tie someone up?”

  “No. I’m a Christian girl. I…” Her eyes darkened.

  I frowned, leaning closer to her. “Doesn’t matter what your religion is. As long as what you do is consensual.”

  “What are you? A sex therapist now?”

  “Little girl, you have no idea what the fuck I am,” I snarled in her ear. “I am the monster under your bed. The darkness creeping into your dreams. I am the cold shiver of fear gripping your spine.” I licked along the shell of her ear, igniting a shiver to tremble through her body. “You like that? I bet you’re wet right now all because a man is paying attention to you.”